In July of 2001 my husband Ryan and I found out we were pregnant we had been trying since February of 2001. Although this would be our second child this baby would be our only living child. In January of 2001 we had a daughter who passed away when she was 3 days old. We were very excited and nervous we had so many mixed emotions as we did when we were pregnant with Gabrielle.  We called everyone to let them know. I went to the Doctor right away I was considered high risk due to our first pregnancy they gave us a due date of March 26th, 2002. Unfortunately right away I began having complications at first they thought the pregnancy was a tubal but they eventually ruled that out. I began spotting right away the Doctors said nothing to worry about a lot of women spot early in their pregnancy but if you have ever lost a child before it is very hard not to panic about everything. Although I tried very hard not to. It became easier to do this after I had a dream at the end of July. In my dream Gabrielle our first baby was laying somewhere I could not tell where she was laying but she was smiling, giggling and seemed very happy and I took that as a sign that everything was going to be just fine.

 

I continued to have spotting some days but not always I was scheduled for another ultrasound on August 12th the Doctors felt that by then they would be able to see more. They continued to run my numbers and they continued to climb they didn't quite double each time but the doctors felt it was good because they were rising. Even though it was early we began talking about names we already had a boy's name picked out from our 1st pregnancy Joseph Dean Williams, Joseph is Ryan's middle name and it was also his grandfather's name and Dean would be after my dad. We decided that if it was girl her name would be Faith Lynnette Williams, Faith after Gabrielle and Lynnette after me. We were doing really well until August 4th I woke up and was bleeding quite a bit. I called the Doctor and he said to go the ER. Ryan worked a hour away from where we live so I called my sister and she went with me. At the ER they checked my numbers again and they said they were fine they also sent me for another ultrasound the lady who did it did not like me at all having gone thru a complicated pregnancy I had some idea and a lot of questions which she did not like. She also complained to her co-worker about getting called in. I was thinking to myself if only that was my biggest concern right now but when she told me she saw a fluttering heartbeat I was so excited. They released me from the hospital told me to take it easy. The whole next week I was a whole different person I wasn't worrying as much and the bleeding had stopped and I was beginning to enjoy the pregnancy once again especially one night as I was walking up our steps to go to bed at the top we have a child's rocker I envisioned a little boy sitting there rocking back and forth. I felt that it was a sign that our baby was going to be ok and it was going to be a boy.

 

 On August 12th I went for my appointment Ryan was unable to get off so I was going by myself and as the ultrasound lady begin taking pictures and me asking 101 questions she said she had to go get another ultrasound tech I immediately began to cry from our experience getting someone else was not good. They came back in and told me that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. Once again I felt my heart drop to the floor. I immediately called my sister, along with her and my pastor's wife they came to the doctor's office. The doctor came back to talk to me and said they had set me up for an appointment with the specialist I had seen while pregnant with Gabrielle for the 15th. I could not believe that this could happen be happening to me again. So on August 15th along with Ryan and my sister we went to Akron where they confirmed with a ultrasound that our baby did not have heartbeat as if that wasn't enough they told us there was no way our baby was alive when I was at the ER two weeks ago. They told us that we could wait and see if I miscarried on my own or I could have a D&C.  That was a decision that I was not ready to make, I felt that if we choose to have a D&C that we were giving up on our child even though they said there was no heartbeat so we decided to wait as I was not ready to let go of this baby. But as the days went by and the bleeding continued my hope began to fade and once again my heart began to break and when I talked to the doctors on August 20th they were concerned that since I was still bleeding and I had not miscarried that infection was setting in so on August 23rd, 2001Ryan myself and my sister set off for Akron General Hospital  to have a D&C done, that was very hard because I was still hoping that our baby was alive. And also to know that once again we would be coming home from Akron with no baby and with broken hearts and shattered dreams.  I do not believe as many people felt the loss of our baby which we call Angel Baby was a true loss but those are the people who have never lost a child before and do not know the pain and hurt you feel everyday or know how it hurts to hear of women pregnant and due around the same time you were or to see baby's the age that your child would be. I strive everyday to keep my faith in God but it is a struggle to know that somebody that does so many miracles took both of my miracles away in 8 months. 

 

 It has been 6 months since we lost Angel Baby and as my due date fastly approaches and we continue to try and become pregnant again the pain is still as strong as it was on January 06, 2001 when we lost Gabrielle and on August 23rd, 2001 when we lost Angel baby.  I know that the pain will never go away but I have been told that as the years go by it will ease  and as that happens I will continue to share the joy that both Gabrielle and Angel Baby's  short but so precious life's brought to not only Ryan and myself but to all that were a part of  their lives. And although both my baby's were taken away from me I will always and forever cherish the memory's that are with me  and each time I close my eyes and remember those joy will come knowing that nobody can ever take those away.